P.S.

One always has a friend in life that you were always jealous of, always thought about, wrote about in your diary- how much you hated them, how much you loved them, you always wanted to share your feelings with, but it was never the right time, you always wished the distance was not so far between you and them, you always wish you had more memories with- but always cherish the ones you have, you know would be there for you and give you the best advice in the world if you need them, you know they always wanted to be better than you at something and same for you, you always had a secret deep down competition with, you always wanted to be more than you were at times, but also wished you had never met them, you felt so confined to what could and couldn't be based on those around you, you have so many similarities with- yet vast differences, the one that you once thought “got away” whether it be as friends or more- but is that really the case?, a friend that you don’t really know what to call- are they a friend? Or is there a new word for this type of person in your life?

To be honest, I do not know what brought this on within me, but I needed it. This friend and I have always had the weirdest relationship. Seriously- You have no idea. This friend is the type of friend that not only all of the above stated facts are true about- but a friend that happens to turn your stomach every time you talk to them- but all for different reasons mind you. Although you can go months without talking to this person and years without seeing them- as soon as you see their chat bubble pop up- you feel weird. Weird is the only word I can think of. Tonight, something made me turn my chat on (which is normally never on) and my friend was on! I debated on whether or not I should IM them, but I did. Of course, it was the usual joking around and the how are yous, but this random question popped into my head. I debated on asking my friend- because I felt like I would look like a ruh-tard. But, I asked anyway. Then, my mind started spinning, I really don’t know why all of a sudden I felt the need to share my recent struggles of my mind- but I did. Little did I know, my friend had recently posted a video and thought I had watched it- which I did not. Sure enough- it was just what I needed- a little more confidence and support to back my current thinking throughout this struggle of mine. For some reason, my friend always has the right thing to say or do- again- I tell you it’s weird. It's been years, but still so weird.

This is the video my friend shared with me and the rest of their friends on FB. Please do not watch if you are not open minded and easily offended. If you want to be the first one to judge- go ahead and click yourself off of my blog. Thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6w2M50_Xdk

This video not only was exactly related to my struggle lately- made me feel a little bit better. It was quite relieving to be able to see someone has similar ideas and thoughts to my own that I can trust. Yes- there are millions in the world who probably think the same or have their own version, but I have never shared my thoughts such as these with anyone. Why tonight? WHO KNOWS! Although our conversation was cut short and it wasn’t as depth as I am leading you to believe, I do not feel it has ended. It is so unreal to me that I have not truly had a conversation with this person in probably over 4 years. Holy shit. Maybe even more? How odd.

Anyway, this video led me to a memory of looking at the stars, on a blow-up mattress(Queen-sized and not made for water) on a lake, with myself, my friend, their sibling, and my sibling. The water was freezing, the mosquitoes were biting, but the laughter never stopped. It is times like those I often wish I could go back to in times of hurt and struggle. Not only do I feel like a complete weirdo right now for writing this- but I feel like I need to. I also feel like I need to pursue this conversation and catch up on life with my friend. I feel like I need to hear their thoughts and ideas about the world and their dreams. Our lives have drastically changed from when we “knew” each other. There was a time where I felt like I lost my friend and would never know them again. But for some reason tonight- I want to. This could be scary to admit- but I do miss my friend- a lot. Not only do I want to catch up on life, I want to reminisce the good times and some of the bad times- we seriously could be so dumb sometimes- and even better- I want to do it on a mountain where my friend loves to spend their time. I know you’re reading this- so you can take this as me inviting myself on a little journey with you and you have no choice but to take me.

Again, I ask myself why this sudden burst of need for my friend. I never really “needed” them there for me before as our lives were in two totally different places- but I really do not know. I can’t explain the desire to share the struggles within my mind on such concepts, yet knowing how my friend grew up, and their home life, and who they are becoming today, I feel like they will be the only one who can understand me. It is friends like these you wonder “what happened?” and “why?” One may never get the answers to those questions- but you can have a good ol’ time trying to figure it out. All in the mean time, you will find out the friend was never gone- just away for a while. Most likely- they will continue to be away and you will live your separate lives, but it is always nice to think that at those couple points in time where you can talk and maybe see each other once in a while- you do have that friend right there. But, maybe they were right there all along… just not physically/mentally. There are always questions… but some of those questions are probably best not answered. Who knows? I know I don’t.

Sorry for the long/crazy/sappy/mumbly jumbly blog- but it is just the right place for me to put all of these thoughts- with just the right people to see them.

P.S. You’re not the only creeper- I stalk your blog too. :)